he Evolution of Shoes: From Ancient Sandals to Modern Monstrosities

Last Updated: June 13, 2024By

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“Back in the day when the money flowed like water and sensible shoes were as rare as unicorns, André Perugia, a shoe designer from the 1920s, dropped some truth bombs: ‘In a world governed by ideal economic conditions… there will be no sensible shoes.’ Fast forward to today, and we’re all sporting comfy, sexless trainers, pondering where our cash disappeared to. But fear not, dear reader, history has a treasure trove of ridiculous footwear to entertain us while we scratch our heads over our empty wallets.

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The Beginnings: From Toe Bones to Sagebrush Sandals

Paleoanthropologists, those fancy folks who study ancient humans, can peek into our shoe-wearing past by checking out our feet. About 40,000 years ago, our toe bones started slimming down, a sign that we were strapping on some kind of footwear. Sadly, most of those ancient shoes rotted away ages ago. But we do have a pair of sagebrush bark sandals, probably 10,000 years old, which wouldn’t look out of place on a modern-day Guardian reader. Then there’s Ötzi the iceman, rocking some chic kicks around 3300 BC, complete with bearskin, deerskin, and bark-string netting. A researcher even gave them a rave review, saying the thick hair layer made for cozy strolls.

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Shoes Through the Ages: Greek Sandals to Egyptian Flip-Flops

If you think shoe tech is a recent thing, think again. The Greeks, Romans, and Egyptians were all about that footwear game. You can still snag sandals reminiscent of those ancient Greeks with their fancy toe and ankle straps. And Tutankhamun? His tomb was loaded with purple and gold flip-flops fit for a pharaoh.

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Shoes: Not Just for Walking

From the get-go, shoes weren’t just about protecting our feet from ouchies. They were status symbols, fashion statements, and even mating calls. Men’s shoes were just as flashy as women’s, like Richard Sackville’s heeled slip-ons adorned with giant rosettes. And let’s not forget Louis XIV, strutting his stuff in towering red heels that even Charles II had to copy.

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The Sexy Side of Shoes

When did shoes become sexy, you ask? Well, let me tell you, my friend, shoes have always been part of the wild tapestry of human sexuality. In 1769, Nicolas Restif de la Bretonne penned a steamy novel, all because of a girl in pink high heels. And if you’ve seen Jean-Honoré Fragonard’s painting ‘The Swing,’ you’ll know what I mean. Shoes even made their way into Victorian erotica, giving folks a break from boring old statues. But it wasn’t until the 1950s that stilettos came along, taking shoe fashion to new heights—literally.

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Let’s Talk Shoes: From Roman Sandals to Moonshiner’s Cow Shoes

Now, let’s dive into the weird and wacky world of shoes, shall we?

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  • Roman Sandals: With their hobnailed soles, these bad boys were built to last. And those hobnails? Some folks got pretty creative with them, making patterns that might’ve raised a few eyebrows.
  • Medieval Poulaines: Ah, the middle ages—plague, pointy shoes, good times. Poulaines, also known as crakows or pikes, were the height of fashion, even if they did give you bunions.
  • Chopines, c1590: Venetian grandees loved showing off their wealth, and what better way than with ridiculously high platform shoes? Sure, they were impractical, but who needs practicality when you’ve got style?
  • Turkish Qabqab, 18th Century: These were all about keeping your feet clean in the dirtiest of places. And boy, did they succeed. No verrucas for these folks.
  • Manchu Platform Shoes, 18th Century: Were they practical? Were they a fashion statement? Who knows, but they sure turned heads.
  • Tabis, 1920s: These split-toed wonders started off innocent enough but ended up as some of the most polarizing shoes around. Podiatrists are still shaking their heads.

The Weird and Wonderful World of Shoes

But wait, there’s more!

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  • Moonshiner’s Cow Shoe, 1924: Crime meets fashion in this bizarre invention, designed to throw the fuzz off your bootlegging trail.
  • Unusual Sandals, 1947: Avant-garde meets practicality in these slap-sole sandals that look like they’re made for walking on loo rolls.
  • Man in Platforms, 1973: Who says heels are just for women? Men have been rocking them for centuries, and glam rockers made sure they stayed in style.
  • McQueen Armadillo, 2010: These monstrous shoes may have been all the rage in their day, but now they’re relics of a bygone era, like chopines or crakows.

So there you have it, folks, the fascinating history of footwear, from ancient sandals to modern monstrosities. Who knows what the future holds for our beloved shoes? One thing’s for sure: they’ll always be a reflection of our ever-changing world.”

 

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